Breaking: The de-S&R-ing of The Mirage

Here we go. This is the first step in the Mirage's moving on from its Siegfried & Roy era. Well, creating "Love" was clearly the first step. But now the free attraction, the Royal White Tiger Habitat, has been closed - effective immediately.

I have heard rumors that sooner or later the Mirage is going to shut down the Secret Garden as well, given that it takes up so much precious, pricey acreage. So far, though, that suggestion has been categorically denied.

Still, I suspect within 10 years, all that will be left of the Siegfried & Roy era will be the statue along the Strip sidewalk. I don't react much to hotel closures and the like, but this seems sad. I especially loved going to the Habitat and watching that cheesy video of a young, pre-injury Roy frolicking with the tiger cubs.

What goes into the space that was this free attraction? BLT Burger, a new joint from NYC chef Laurent Tourondel. It opens in the spring.

When Hansie met Siggy (and Roy)

(This is a reprint from my LasVegasWeekly.Com column, which appears Fridays here)

I’ve been trying to imagine something. A press release came through last week noting that Siegfried and Roy visited new Vegas headliner Hans Klok on Aug 2 after watching the Dutch performer’s show. This is exciting news for the Strip’s biggest ripoff magician, whose new production at the PHo with momentary co-star Pamela Anderson is so staggeringly awful that the Las Vegas Sun didn’t even review it.

So I’m wondering what that meeting might have been like. Here’s my version:

Hansie: Allo, Siegfried and Roy! Thank you for coming to see my fantastical new show starring me, zee biggest star in Europe!

Roy nods and grins.

Siggy: Oh, no problem! We heard that you were having some, uh, public relations problems. Happy to help!

Hansie: Problem? No! I am zee most amazing thing this Strip has seen in ages! I was zee biggest thing in, you know! They love me and zee flouncy black silk shirts that sometimes expose my, how you say, hairless neeples! We sell out all zee time. I swear it!

Siggy: Hansie, my European effete blond brother, come now. It eez I, it eez Siggy here. I know zee truth. Your show’s a stinker, everybody knows dat. But I am happy to help you by rolling out my lover ... er ... lifelong housemate and performing partner, Roy, here for a happy picture. I don’t even mind anymore that you wear a flowing, wind-swept coif just like mine or dat you stole our Evil Queen trick for your act. What’s ours is yours, we say.

Roy nods and grins.

Hansie: Stole? Stole? Did I mention dat I am a European megastar? I have been blowing away zee audiences for years with all of dis that I do putting preety girls in boxes and then bringing dem back as many times as eez possible in 90 minutes! I stole nothing. Nothing!

Siggy turns to the handlers.

Siggy: Do we really need to do dis? ‘Wheel of Fortune’ is on soon, you know. Or there must be zee opening of a can of tuna fish somewhere that we appear at. Dis man is an idiot. I do not need to share zee Siggy and Roy pixie dust with heem.

Hansie suddenly looks panicked.

Hansie: Ok, Ok. I am sorry. Sorry, grandmaster Siggy. I just do not understand it! I am making big magic for zee Strip, bigger than anyone has seen since (looks at Roy, lowers voice to a hush), well, you know. Why is dis all working out so badly?

Siggy looks paternal, sympathetic. Roy nods and grins.

Siggy: It is a veddy difficult business, this Las Vegas thing.

Hansie: But how did you do it? How did you get zee world to love zee two flamboyant Germans and some funny animals?

Siggy: Well, when we did it, we did tricks nobody else had ever seen and we didn’t need to run around zee stage like Goebbels being chased by zee circumcision knife to make it seem exciting.

Hansie: But dat works so well in Europe, where I am zee biggest star since Erik Estrada!

Siggy is undeterred.

Siggy: Also, back then zee people loved Las Vegas for its tackiness and its pretend-closeted performers. It was zee age of Liberace, young Hansie. Nowadays, zee world doesn’t mind zee performers being out of zee closet. Look at Elton John! Joey Arias! Everybody in Zee Producers besides Tony Danza!

Hansie blanches, but it’s hard to tell since he’s always sheet-white anyway

Roy nods and grins.

Siggy: Did I say something to upset you, young Hansie?

Hansie: Siggy, I have only zee highest respect for you and Roy. I really do. But I am not a gay. It just seems dat way because I am a European.

Siggy: Oh, yes. Right. Sorry. Same here. Neither am I, actually. I was just talking.

Hansie: No, really. I am not. Dis is why I have Miz Pamela wid me everywhere I go. Miz Pamela, she has zee huge, uh, how you say, knockers, you know. I love zee big knockers. Love them.

Siggy [sighing]: Yes, alright. Perhaps we can take zee picture now and be done with dis.

Hansie: Siggy, I am not a gay! I am not! I love Miz Pamela. We do zee nasty, you know. She is my girlfriend. We get, how you say, frisky all zee time!

Siggy: Tis OK, Hansie. I understand.

Hansie gets agitated.

Hansie [raising voice steadily]: Do you wish me to prove it? Would someone get Miz Pamela here right now so I may shove my tongue in her throat? I want to feel up those big knockers right here. I want everyone to write about it. Why won’t anyone write about how Miz Pamela and I are going to make babies? We are hot! We are as hot as zee Tom Cruise and that Katie!

Siggy: OK, OK. It is true! It is true! You and Miz Pamela. Hot. Fine. Can we be done here?

Hansie, Siggy and Roy grin for the camera.

Hansie: Siggy, do you have any questions for me before I go enter Miz Pamela’s every orifice? I am, after all, zee biggest star in Europe and she is my geliefde!

Siggy: Well, I do wonder one ting, Hansie. But it is a bit personal.

Hansie: Ah, Siggy. You can ask me anything!

Siggy: Oh, OK. We both just wanted to know.

Hansie: Yes, Siggy. Ask me! Do not be embarrassed.

Siggy: Well, OK. We have wondered. Can we get the number of your colorist?

Roy nods and grins.

You Write The Caption

The photo above was distributed to the media with this advisory:

Suggested Photo Caption

LAS VEGAS - AUGUST 2: Magician Hans Klok meets with legendary magicians Siegfried & Roy after a performance of Klok's "The Beauty of Magic" show at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino August 2, 2007 in Las Vegas, NV. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images for Stage Entertainment)

Surely we can do better, no? On Friday, I'll unveil the secret dialogue between Hans and Siegfried! Can you stand it?

Pam's New Trick @ Planet Ho

So our observation that Carmen Electra didn't seem to be "there" at the Planet Hollywood press event last week and rumors in Norm's column that she was being difficult proved prescient. She's out before the thing even starts.

Alas, Carmen always was the pretender "Baywatch" Babe, and so here comes the real thing, a much more jovial and upbeat Pamela Anderson, who popped out of a box today. She seemed very happy to be there and will serve as Klok's assistant in "The Beauty of Magic."

You can hear the raw audio -- it's about 8 mins -- of the big event here on a special edition of "The Strip", including a rare press-conference question asked by yours truly that revealed she'll start out on a three-month contract.

There were a couple of cringe-worthy moments on this audio:

* MAJOR WHHSH VIOLATION: "What happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas," Robert Earl said. "Carmen is gone. She didn't stay in Vegas." Groan. Ick. Sigh.

* BROKEN GAYDAR?: Hans Klok has an extremely fey on-stage presence, not to mention he's the spitting image of Siegfried. But then he goes on about how he used to watch "Baywatch" and always thought Pam was "hot." So maybe it's not that he's gay; maybe he's just European.

* MALAPROP MAN - OR NOT: "Is that your first ever trick?" Earl asked Pam.

Finally, I know get no points for this because I didn't blog it, but last night I guessed the mystery star would be Pam both to the show's publicist, who wouldn't spill it, and to Miles. So there. But Norm tells me that they also tried to get Paris Hilton. I like this choice much better, don't you?

Want to SEE it instead of listening? Check out RawVegas.tv's footage!