Saturday, August 11, 2007

When Hansie met Siggy (and Roy)

(This is a reprint from my LasVegasWeekly.Com column, which appears Fridays here)

I’ve been trying to imagine something. A press release came through last week noting that Siegfried and Roy visited new Vegas headliner Hans Klok on Aug 2 after watching the Dutch performer’s show. This is exciting news for the Strip’s biggest ripoff magician, whose new production at the PHo with momentary co-star Pamela Anderson is so staggeringly awful that the Las Vegas Sun didn’t even review it.

So I’m wondering what that meeting might have been like. Here’s my version:

Hansie: Allo, Siegfried and Roy! Thank you for coming to see my fantastical new show starring me, zee biggest star in Europe!

Roy nods and grins.

Siggy: Oh, no problem! We heard that you were having some, uh, public relations problems. Happy to help!

Hansie: Problem? No! I am zee most amazing thing this Strip has seen in ages! I was zee biggest thing in, you know! They love me and zee flouncy black silk shirts that sometimes expose my, how you say, hairless neeples! We sell out all zee time. I swear it!

Siggy: Hansie, my European effete blond brother, come now. It eez I, it eez Siggy here. I know zee truth. Your show’s a stinker, everybody knows dat. But I am happy to help you by rolling out my lover ... er ... lifelong housemate and performing partner, Roy, here for a happy picture. I don’t even mind anymore that you wear a flowing, wind-swept coif just like mine or dat you stole our Evil Queen trick for your act. What’s ours is yours, we say.

Roy nods and grins.

Hansie: Stole? Stole? Did I mention dat I am a European megastar? I have been blowing away zee audiences for years with all of dis that I do putting preety girls in boxes and then bringing dem back as many times as eez possible in 90 minutes! I stole nothing. Nothing!

Siggy turns to the handlers.

Siggy: Do we really need to do dis? ‘Wheel of Fortune’ is on soon, you know. Or there must be zee opening of a can of tuna fish somewhere that we appear at. Dis man is an idiot. I do not need to share zee Siggy and Roy pixie dust with heem.

Hansie suddenly looks panicked.

Hansie: Ok, Ok. I am sorry. Sorry, grandmaster Siggy. I just do not understand it! I am making big magic for zee Strip, bigger than anyone has seen since (looks at Roy, lowers voice to a hush), well, you know. Why is dis all working out so badly?

Siggy looks paternal, sympathetic. Roy nods and grins.

Siggy: It is a veddy difficult business, this Las Vegas thing.

Hansie: But how did you do it? How did you get zee world to love zee two flamboyant Germans and some funny animals?

Siggy: Well, when we did it, we did tricks nobody else had ever seen and we didn’t need to run around zee stage like Goebbels being chased by zee circumcision knife to make it seem exciting.

Hansie: But dat works so well in Europe, where I am zee biggest star since Erik Estrada!

Siggy is undeterred.

Siggy: Also, back then zee people loved Las Vegas for its tackiness and its pretend-closeted performers. It was zee age of Liberace, young Hansie. Nowadays, zee world doesn’t mind zee performers being out of zee closet. Look at Elton John! Joey Arias! Everybody in Zee Producers besides Tony Danza!

Hansie blanches, but it’s hard to tell since he’s always sheet-white anyway

Roy nods and grins.

Siggy: Did I say something to upset you, young Hansie?

Hansie: Siggy, I have only zee highest respect for you and Roy. I really do. But I am not a gay. It just seems dat way because I am a European.

Siggy: Oh, yes. Right. Sorry. Same here. Neither am I, actually. I was just talking.

Hansie: No, really. I am not. Dis is why I have Miz Pamela wid me everywhere I go. Miz Pamela, she has zee huge, uh, how you say, knockers, you know. I love zee big knockers. Love them.

Siggy [sighing]: Yes, alright. Perhaps we can take zee picture now and be done with dis.

Hansie: Siggy, I am not a gay! I am not! I love Miz Pamela. We do zee nasty, you know. She is my girlfriend. We get, how you say, frisky all zee time!

Siggy: Tis OK, Hansie. I understand.

Hansie gets agitated.

Hansie [raising voice steadily]: Do you wish me to prove it? Would someone get Miz Pamela here right now so I may shove my tongue in her throat? I want to feel up those big knockers right here. I want everyone to write about it. Why won’t anyone write about how Miz Pamela and I are going to make babies? We are hot! We are as hot as zee Tom Cruise and that Katie!

Siggy: OK, OK. It is true! It is true! You and Miz Pamela. Hot. Fine. Can we be done here?

Hansie, Siggy and Roy grin for the camera.

Hansie: Siggy, do you have any questions for me before I go enter Miz Pamela’s every orifice? I am, after all, zee biggest star in Europe and she is my geliefde!

Siggy: Well, I do wonder one ting, Hansie. But it is a bit personal.

Hansie: Ah, Siggy. You can ask me anything!

Siggy: Oh, OK. We both just wanted to know.

Hansie: Yes, Siggy. Ask me! Do not be embarrassed.

Siggy: Well, OK. We have wondered. Can we get the number of your colorist?

Roy nods and grins.


Goozak said...


Anonymous said...

This guy that wrote this "story" is one pathetic F*ck!!!!anyone that takes so much afford to write a story like this is probalby sexual frustrated and cant handle it that people like Hans are more succesfull then they are.........

dan kane said...

Actually, it's pretty dead-on satire and is very hard to do well, but Steve did it. Hans Klok is trying to fake a relationship with Pamela Anderson for publicist and it's so obvious that the tabloid press won't even take notice of it. It's all silly.

Especially loved the line about how he's not gay, he's just European. Classic.